The Celebrity Oscars

LONDON, Dec 28 — The romantic — and amusing, antics of the 2008 winners and sinners.

The Old Rogue of the Year (sponsored by Viagra)

This award is given to the gentleman of 60 or more who most successfully ignored the passing years in his pursuit of the fairer sex. In a hotly contested category, the nominees are...

SIR PAUL McCARTNEY, 66, who emerged from the wreckage of his marriage to Heather in fine form, squiring a succession of middle-aged beauties, including actress (and former girlfriend of Peter Gabriel) Rosanna Arquette, before settling into the elegant embrace of New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell.

HUGH HEFNER, 82, who declared in February that his No 1 girlfriend Holly Madison, 29, was, “the relationship that will last the rest of my life”.

By October, however, he’d dumped Holly and the other two girls of the Playboy Mansion, Kendra Wilkinson, 23, and Bridget Marquardt, 35. In their place came 19-year-old twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon. So both of Hef’s current girlfriends, added together, are still less than half his age.

RONNIE WOOD, a stripling of 61, who in a few wild weeks this summer managed to wreck his 23-year-old marriage to wife Jo and fall off the sobriety wagon after a wild bender ended with him falling for Ekaterina Ivanova, a 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress at a sleazy Soho escort bar. Months later, the couple still appear to be together, but the marriage is beyond repair.

AND THE WINNER IS . . . Ronnie Wood! He entertained us all by being living proof that there’s no fool like an old fool, without actually being quite as stomach-churningly sordid as The Hef.

The Dazzling Dame of the Year (sponsored by HRT)

The winner of this award will be the woman of mature years who has, in the judges’ opinion, aged most elegantly and in the most sprightly fashion.

The nominees are...

DAME HELEN MIRREN who, quite simply, looked hotter in a red bikini than any woman of 63 ever has, with a figure that put girls half her age to shame.

VALERIE SINGLETON, 71, who put perennial rumours of her same-sex proclivities to rest with the simple declaration: “I am the opposite of gay.”

She proved it with revelations of a fling with “Blue Peter” co-star Peter Purves, a steamy cuddle with actor Albert Finney and a relationship with a builder 24 years her junior.

JULIE CHRISTIE, 67, who revealed that she had secretly wed her long-time partner, journalist Duncan Campbell, in India (the land of her birth) before jetting off to LA, where she had been nominated for a Best Actress Oscar this year, to look stunning on the red carpet.

ESTHER RANTZEN, 68, who flirted outrageously with 26-year-old King Of The Jungle Joe Swash during “I’m A Celebrity ... Get me Out of Here!”. She also unpacked some surprisingly raunchy undies before revealing that she had lost her virginity in a one-night stand with a doctor on a Greek holiday. Esther, really!

AND THE WINNER IS. . . Dame Helen Mirren! Her movie director husband, Taylor Hackford, is a very lucky man.

The Prettiest Couple on Earth

They’re young, they’re beautiful, they’re talented and they’re loved up.

The nominees are...

SUPERMODEL Miranda Kerr

ORLANDO BLOOM and MIRANDA KERR. He’s the 31-year-old epitome of the pretty-boy movie star; she is a 25-year-old Victoria’s Secret model (three words which make any man’s heart beat faster) from Australia.

BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE because. . . oh, come on! Does anyone on earth need this explained?


JESSICA BIEL

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and JESSICA BIEL. This month’s GQ cover-girl took the place of fellow actress Cameron Diaz in Justin’s heart, which tells one something about the calibre of partner the singer attracts.

NICOLE SCHERZINGER

LEWIS HAMILTON and NICOLE SCHERZINGER. When you’re an F1 World Champion, girls aren’t hard to find. Lewis, 23, has teamed up with Filipina/Hawaiian/Russian Nicole, the 30-year-old lead singer of The Pussycat Dolls.

AND THE WINNERS ARE . . . Lewis and Nicole! In 2008 the coolest people were mixed race, from Barack Obama and golfer Tiger Woods to “The X Factor’s” Leona Lewis. No one embodied that better than Lewis and Nicole.

Political Co-stars of the Year

Forget actors, models or sports stars, the hottest celebrity trend of the

year was sexy political duos. The nominees are...

US President-elect BARACK OBAMA and his wife MICHELLE. The 47-year-old became the world’s political pin-up, supported by a beautiful, radical wife and the mother of his two lovely girls. That White House dinner party invite will be the hottest ticket.

From the sublime to the ridiculous, next up is LEMBIT OPIK and GABRIELA ‘CHEEKY GIRL’ IRIMIA. A 43-year-old Lib Dem politician with a silly name meets a 26-year-old Z-list popstrel with one of the silliest hits ever. Three months after their engagement in Rome, they had split. Phew!

NICOLAS SARKOZY and CARLA BRUNI. The French President, 53, was a political dead duck when he married supermodel Carla, 41, after a whirlwind 11-week courtship. At first the French were sceptical, but her Jackie Kennedy style aura wowed everyone — even the British monarchy. The unprintable gossip about the two of them is magnifique!

SARAH and TODD PALIN. She shoots moose, he races jetskis and the whole family breed like Alaskan rabbits. Sarah attracts virulent mockery, but is she a natural superstar? You betcha!

AND THE WINNERS ARE. . . Nicolas and Carla! But it was a close-run thing. If she ever runs off with Barack, they’ll be hotter than a Large Hadron Collider.

The ‘Too-Much-Information’ Award

Many stars restrict their public utterances to carefully scripted PR banalities. Others, however, tell (or show) us more than we would ever want to hear or see. The nominees are...

RUSSELL BRAND, 33, the sometime actor and disgraced ex-BBC presenter who

responded to rumours that he would appear in the next “Pirates Of The Caribbean” movie with: ‘I am having a skull and crossbones tattooed on my nipples in anticipation of the plotline.’

P. DIDDY who sent a thank-you letter to the suppliers of Betty Beauty pubic hair dye. Apparently the 39-year-old rapper likes to transform his nether regions to create the perfect ‘holiday package’.

JOHN BARROWMAN, 41, who proved He’d Do Anything by flashing his manhood during Radio 1’s “The Switch” show, which was being filmed for online.

HUGH JACKMAN, 40, aka Wolverine in the “X-Men” films, who revealed that he wears his costumes when making love to his wife because, ‘She loves the idea of me coming home in costume because it makes her feel like she’s having an affair in a good way’.

AND THE WINNER IS. . . John Barrowman! For goodness sake, put it away!

Worst Love-Rat Award

An equal-opportunity award, given to the individual whose behaviour most flagrantly violates the accepted codes of sexual and romantic decency. The nominees are...

GORDON RAMSAY, for whom the F-word appears to be a way of life as well as a foulmouthed figure of speech. The super-chef, 42, has risked his marriage to wife Tana and his £60 million (RM330 million) fortune, which her father manages, in an alleged seven-year affair with ‘professional mistress’ (isn’t there another name for that?) Sarah Symonds.

TILDA SWINTON. She may be a brilliant actress with impeccable breeding and a Cambridge degree, but if she were a man who left his partner with their ten-year-old twins to go swanning round the world with a lover almost 20 years his junior, people would be shocked. But she’s done it.

The 48 year-old’s partner John Byrne, 68, stays at home in Nairn with the kids, while Tilda travels with artist and actor Sandro Koop, 29, much to the distress of the girlfriend whom he deserted to be with Tilda.

SIENNA MILLER, bless her, just can’t get excited about a man unless another woman has got excited about him — and, preferably, married him — first. She made her name with married father-of-four Jude Law, dallied briefly with Daniel Craig soon after his seven-year relationship with actress Heike Makatsch ended, while this year’s man was married father-of-four Balthazar Getty. Sienna swears his marriage was already over. Well, it is now.

RUSSELL BRAND (yes, him again). His fling with Georgina Baillie would have been just one more notch on the bedpost for this compulsive (but not very competent, she claims) lothario. Then DJ Brand (above) decided to call Georgina’s 78-year-old grandfather Andrew Sachs on Brand’s radio show to make a series of vile, lewd, bullying remarks about his sex with her, egged on by the leering, over-excited Jonathan Ross. Horsewhipping would have been too good for them.

AND THE WINNER IS ... Russell Brand! He’s an insult to rats — intelligent clean creatures from which he could learn a great deal.

Most Hellish Ex

It’s over, finito, gone for good - but some girls just won't let it lie.

The nominations are...

MADONNA who may have been generous with the postnuptial split, but she made Guy pay in other ways. She mocked him from her concert stages and reportedly sent him the children accompanied by an eccentric list of dos and don’ts. Madge, if Guy gives them a burger in front of the telly, it’s not the end of the world.

HEATHER MILLS McCARTNEY may get married again one day, but after her bizarre behaviour before, during and after her divorce case, it’ll be a very brave (or foolish) husband. Having rubbished Paul for months, she was silenced by court order, only to threaten a tell-all ‘novel’. Well worth the £24million settlement for the Beatle to be rid of her.

JENNIFER ANISTON is a stunning woman, so why, four years on, is she still moaning about Angelina Jolie being ‘really uncool’ when she stole Brad from her on the set of Mr And Mrs Smith four years ago?

ALICE FAYE EICHELBERGER allegedly felt that her childless 15-year marriage to John Cleese entitled her to £17,000-a-week maintenance, half of all his earnings since 1992, and houses in London and New York. It also made Cleese immensely boring by going on about the injustice.

AND THE WINNER IS. . . Heather Mills McCartney! Could it ever have been anyone else?

Celebrity Love Battle

Calm down, dear, it’s only an argy-bargy between two famous lovers! But there was a lot of it about. And so the nominees are...

ANGELINA JOLIE and BRAD PITT, whose marital squabbles have, according to US tabloid rumours, become so severe that Brad has bought his beloved a course of anger-management classes. Angelina allegedly learned to throw knives for “Tomb Raider”, and likes to practise her skills, with Brad as her target, when they fight.

LINDSAY LOHAN and SAMANTHA RONSON. The lesbian lovers started screaming and shoving one another at a London nightclub after DJ Sam saw actress Lindsay dancing a little too closely with ex-boyfriend Calum Best. Wildly entertaining gay catfight ensued.

KATE MOSS and rocker boyfriend JAMIE HINCE have a tempestuous relationship. They fought when she found a vial of his ex-girlfriend’s blood and exchanged scratches spatting over holiday plans.

AMY WINEHOUSE and hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL are the Sid and Nancy of the 21st Century. But no sooner had ‘me Blakey’ got out of jail than they were having such an appalling phone row that it triggered a boozy bender, putting Amy in hospital.

AND THE WINNERS ARE. . . Brad and Angelina! Duck, Brad, duck! — Daily Mail